coffee is the only constant (7-8-24)
I worry about the pulse behind my ears, the red butterfly flashes, the tightening around my temple (7-8-24)
all the men who emotionally abused me would be very happy to know how bad i feel today! (7-8-24)
i can never be happy (7-8-24)
(F# - C# - E - B) is it over >>>> you only want to hurt me >>>>> (6-8-24)
ideas 4 animations:
1. losing her to this world and its poisons
2. had to deport someone (back to the states) last year
3. i broke up w my soulmate last week & i want to die
4. homeless
5. him
6. he got away with it
7. he got away with it #2
8. (my dad loved my) hair
9. (my mother is in the) hairbrush [painted]
10. 13 (my first & only attempt to end it)
11. nonverbal at the disco!
12. strongest of the strange ([painted])
13. eating flowers (bipolar stuff)
14. he got away with it (22)
9:
I knew all the brushes by their textures. In particular, I remember a brush that had been chewed up by Jupiter when he was a puppy. That one left deep jagged marks. There were spoons, too. She would laugh, and say that the slotted spoons went "squish" and hurt more. I didn't tell her that it was the solid spoons that hurt most, she would always use what hurt more. I learned how to fake my level of pain so she would stop, but this never worked. She kept going until she ran out of anger. I learned how to not make a sound, but I never learned the reason why I was being punished. One time, I was beaten so badly I could not hold a pencil which hurt me, I loved to write and draw. I just laid in bed, marveling over my little hands and how this magic moved through them, a transfer of momentum. I made games in my head to make my world safer. I would lay in bed and stare at the shadows, and the clacking of her keyboard would make me feel calm and for a moment, not alone. I would listen to her whispering and excited over the men she was chatting with, softly clicking and creaking in her chair. when my dad was back home from the hospital, but there was a shift one night. we were on vacation. I had to run away. And I kept pulling away after that.
